Tag Archives: Narcotics Anonymous

I Pulled a Post

I was talking on the phone to my brother last night, and he gave me some advice. That’s very hard for me to take because I have never been one with taking advice. However, I can admit now that I don’t know everything, so I pulled the “6 Skips” post.

While we were talking, I was surprised when he told me that he knew all along that I was still on pills/methadone. His exact words, “Dude, when you gained all that weight and were nodding off with this stupid look on your face at grandma’s, it was obvious”. And here I thought I was being inconspicuous.

I asked him why he never said anything because, “I would have”, I told him. “Because you weren’t very approachable” he says. Haha, how true is that of all addicts? We are not very approachable indeed. Then, when someone does get the balls to approach, we rip their fucking head off for trying to make us feel something.

I am going to do something with my brother this weekend to find out if my feelings are true, or if they are built upon a foundation of sand. For me it will be a true test, but a test I must take. I will come here, and admit I was wrong, if that is what I learn. Until then at least, I’ll drop the “6 Skips”, and be comfortable admitting that I don’t have all the answers.

Thx a lot numb-nut 😉

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St. Jude, my path is now found

Call me nuts, but I have an admission to make. AA/NA is not for me! There, I said it. It’s in bold letters for everyone to see. If you find this hard to understand, I’ll say it again; AA/NA is not for me! When I first came to this conclusion I thought,  shit, now I have to go back and change some of my previous posts such as “Tools”. However, I now realize that I cannot and will not do that. This is a growing process for me. A process of trial and error, and in order for it to be accurate and honest, I must leave everything as is. That is, unless my grammar coach reads something, and says I need to go back and revise. But anyway, let’s get to the reason for my post.

I could go on and on about why I feel AA/NA is wrong for me, but that is not why I am writing this. I will simply say this, any message that tells me that I am powerless to do something on my own, is not a message for me. It is not something I can identify with. I know that I walked me into this mess, and I must walk me back out. Maybe the AA/NA message is for you-I don’t know. If it is, that’s not wrong either.  If there is something I wish to be gleaned from this, it would have to be that you (the addict) must find what way works best for you. Because “you” are all that matters. As for me though, I found my message while browsing the net last Wednesday.

All of the feelings I had been having were galvanized when I stumbled across a place called St. Jude. St. Jude has been in the addiction business for a very long time. They have done multiple studies, and in turn have helped many people. All it took was for me to read the first few sentences of their page, for me to know I was home. The people at St. Jude speak my language-they speak it loud, and they speak it clear.

It felt good to read about the studies they had done. Studies that led to their belief that addiction should not be viewed as a disease, but that of habitual and perpetual bad choices. Habits formed by us, the addicts making personal choices to keep doing drugs. Their focus seems to be that of awareness, personal accountability, and the most important-believing in ourselves. I can most certainly dig that shit. I like it-it gives me goose bumps. And when a message gives me goosebumps, that is a message I can live with. There are other things too.

One other thing is believing that we have the power to change, without having to sit in meeting after meeting, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, if you are a person that wants to eventually counsel using addicts, meetings are a good way of reaching them-initially. However, St. Jude believes that the continual admission that we are addicts can keep a person chained to their past. Not to mention the fact that I have kids to raise, a blog to write, video games to play and rain to smell. I cannot do these things sitting in a room somewhere rehashing my past over and over. It’s just not how I want to live. All these messages just fit me you understand? They don’t claim to be right for everyone, but you can’t argue their studies, and success records.

Their studies are complete, and their verifiable success records are second to none-literally. The studies they have done over many years of attending AA/NA meetings cannot be ignored. I believe St. Jude’s methods are tried and true and they will work for anyone that wants them to work. Which is in an of itself what I believe is the key. Do you want to change your life yet, or are you still comfortable in the misery in which you live? I think it’s as simple as that. Weird, considering all the time I’ve spent trying to dissect addiction, the disease. I have one other thing to touch on before I close and it’s off topic, but not really.

This writing thing ain’t easy. I’m not kidding you all, it really isn’t. It’s super easy to write a few good posts. However, doing it day in and day out is I think, what separates the good from the great writers. I don’t claim to be one (great writer) either. It’s obviously something I have done well enough to this point, but we will see if I can continue. I almost had a miserable fail last week though.

I actually had some down time at work on Fri and spent 4.5 hours on a new post. I posted it, rode home, logged back on, and took that gobbledy-gook down quickly. If you don’t know what gobbledy-gook is, picture about three pages of regurgitated shit. Thing is, I caught that one, but I may not catch them all. What I’m trying to say is that there will be good posts and bad-I know this. However, please know that my heart is in every one. If something matters to me, I will write about it. And while I am now doing this blog for me, I want it to eventually be a gift to you. You, are all those struggling with addiction to opiates or whatever else. Hope you enjoyed the post.

ismelltherain

Narcotics Anonymous (NA), first time feelings

I haven’t yet gone into my feelings on my first Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting. Before I do, I want to say that I obviously can’t give an opinion as to what its overall benefit will be in my life. I must wait until I have experience, and the only way to gain experience is by attending meetings-which I plan on continuing. Still, I am a thinker. I am often accused of thinking shit to death. I’d like everyone to keep that in mind as I give a few of my first thoughts about my first meeting. It will be interesting to come back later to see whether I think my first impressions were correct.

First, I feel there is no substitute for being around others that can relate to the being an addict. The love and support from others that have been in similar situations is hard to describe-it was awesome really. It was also very uplifting to hear the stories of those that have overcome, and are in recovery. The stories and storytellers are better than the best reality tv ever shown. I should know, I’m a reality tv junkie. What’s more is that there are thousands of these stories waiting to reach my ears-to lift me up. All I have to do is “be there”. My first impression is that the stories are where the true heart and soul of AA/NA resides. At the very least, it has to be a significant portion of what AA/NA is about.

I will write now about what I feel was a problem (at least with me). If there is anything I know for sure about recovery from addiction, after reading ever piece of info I can find on the net, no one true way is better than any other. While at the meeting, I was speaking with a guy, and told him that I was in the process of a methadone detox. This is how the conversation went-

Guy: “so how much (methadone) are you on now?” Me: “35mgs” Guy: “per day? ouch! dude, let me tell you, you need to just go ahead and cold turkey the rest.” Me: “well, for me that just isn’t an option, I…” Guy: cutting me off in mid sentence “Dude, just do it. It will be painful, but you will always remember those symptoms, and you will never want to be there again.” Me: “yeah, maybe your right” At that point, I just wanted to get out of the conversation.

If he had let me finish, I would have been able to tell him that I have a family to support-mortgage and car payment to make-full time job to work. Laying in bed for weeks recuperating from a massive rapid detox just isn’t an option for me. Furthermore, I would have explained that it’s everything I can do to come to work some days decreasing the way I am, much less if I were to quit “cold turkey”. I also wasn’t able to tell him that I honestly believe, in my heart, the biggest mistake I could make is to throw myself into rapid detox with no way of easing the physical symptoms.

I would have nowhere to turn when the pain became unbearable. I have been to doctors with withdrawal symptoms before, and believe me when I say, there is very little sympathy on their part for a junkie in detox. As much as I loathe that clinic and the way they run it, I can at least lower myself slowly. What it came down to is that I felt the NA members should tell their story-it is their power to pass on. However, listening to what others say is of equal importance. I felt at that time, at that meeting, it was lacking.

There was one other thing that struck me. I will say up front that it is trivial, but I did already mention that I think things into the dirt, so. The first step in the “12 steps to sobriety” reads as follows: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable

What if I want to believe I am not powerless over my addiction? What if I, by nature, have a mind of my own, and believe that my addiction is actually what is powerless under me? Is it wrong for me to feel that we, as humans, have the power to do whatever we “believe” we can accomplish? Am I dooming myself right here at the start? Because in my mind, I need to feel that I am chewing the bones of my addiction- that I am whipping its ass. I fear believing anything else because it runs directly against the grain of my being. Don’t misunderstand and think I am discounting what addiction is, and more importantly what it has done to me. I don’t-at least I think I don’t. And I respect addiction in that way. To say that though, just feels too much like I am bending my knee, and giving a leg up to this mother fucker before the war has begun.

My wife, bless her heart, tells me that sometimes when I try to explain my point, I come across as a dick. She says that the message, no matter how good the point, is many times lost due to this. Knowing this, I really wish to impress upon anyone that reads this that these questions I have about NA/AA are not my attempt at being witty, and I most definitely am not trying to be a dick. I am simply being honest about my feelings. I, like most recovering from addiction, am only trying to find my path to freedom.

ismelltherain