Tag Archives: MTT

Letter Unsent

Earlier today I visited the web site of the company that owns the methadone clinic I go to. It was especially eye-opening to see the images of the smiling families they are projecting. It was even more astonishing when I considered all the pain wrought in my family by this company. Anyway, while I was browsing I noticed the names and email addresses of some of the top dogs. Before I knew it, I had my email account open, and I was writing one of them. While I was writing it I realized I couldn’t send it, but finished it anyway. I honestly fear their repercussions. It’s a fairly okay letter I think, so I decided to not waste it, and post it here.

Dear Sir,
My name is ____ . I am patient number ____at your ____, Florida clinic. I have been detoxing for some time now- without the help of your wonderfully detached counselors, and the doctor without a face. In fact, I’ve had a new counselor for seven weeks now, and still have not met her. For the last five weeks I have gone by my counselor’s office on my weekly pick-up, and she has yet to be there. One of those weeks I was really hurting, mentally and physically, and needed to talk to her. I did find my counselor’s supervisor and ended up speaking to her for about fifteen minutes. She was easy enough to talk to, but at that point I probably would have been fine talking to a tree. That’s a funny coincidence because as it turned out, I may as well have been- talking to a tree.

The next week I was notified via bulletin board that i needed to see that same supervisor for a urinalysis because my counselor who isn’t counseling was out once again. As I walked into her office I was smiling because I felt as though we were already acquainted. We had just spoken one week prior and she had even promised to get a question I had answered for me. Immediately though, I could tell she did not recognize me, and my smile quickly faded. I was very much saddened that the intimate details I shared with her weren’t enough for her to even remember my face.

Since she didn’t remember me or my question, I was wondering if you could answer it for me? I do understand the clinic doctor is busy signing prescriptions for powerful narcotics to patients he never sees, however, is it possible for him to see a patient who is detoxing? Please don’t try reminding me that I see him once a year at my physical either because that is horse shit. The doctor at the clinic now is not the same doctor that did my physical last year! In fact, I have been at the clinic for roughly six years, and there has never been the same doctor administering physicals from one year to the next. So I ask again. Is there any way for me- a patient that is detoxing- to see the doctor I have never met- but that writes my prescription for methadone?

While I have your attention, would you mind answering something else? Do you know what your clinic, and the drugs you push have done to me? No, of course you don’t, and neither does your clinic. The addiction I own, I own alone- I accept that. My addiction is my burden to bear. That still doesn’t diminish the fact that you lied, through your clinic. Just as sure as if you had personally whispered the words in my ear. The words professing that I would live a better, more complete life. You said my family would be happier. You said you cared about me. YOU LIED! What you are doing is no different than a drug pusher on the corner.

No matter how you sell it, literally, you both are addicts just as I am. The drug pusher on the corner deals to feed his addiction to drugs. You deal to feed your addiction to power and riches. You do this on the backs of sick, desperate people, and what you are doing is not helping; it is prolonging, and enabling of the worst kind. Have you no conscious? Have you no kids? If you do have children, and one was diagnosed with a terrible disease, would you feel okay about a doctor willing to treat the disease without wanting to meet your child? I think not.

You are participating in a masterful, well thought out plan. A cash cow indeed, of epic proportions. However, in all the planning there is something you all failed to consider- a pissed off recovering addict with a voice and will to unite the army you raised against you. Their families probably won’t be too happy either- I know mine won’t.

Sure to meet you soon,


I very much long for the day when I can send this company a letter such as this. However, their drug still finds a home within me though so I must remain anonymous for now. I still feel as though people can be made aware, so if you haven’t, please pass this blog along to anyone you know. Thank you so much to those that already have, and those who have given me input/advice. It is most definitely appreciated.


Methadone Decrease/Still Here

Sorry but I feel like shit, grumpy as hell, and probably won’t feel like writing for a day or two. Still plan on getting my broken down ass to the meeting tonight, and still smell the rain.


Wanting Change (off methadone)

It was one year ago, or thereabouts, that I knew I wanted to make a change. I knew I wanted off methadone. My family had struggled with money for so long that I knew some things for certain. If I did not clean up my act, my wife would eventually take the kids and leave. She would at some point meet another, and I would be on the sidelines, watching as a better man raised my family. It rocks me to the core of my being thinking of another laying with my wife, being a father to my kids. One day I will have the courage to ask my wife how close I pushed her to that point. Right now though, I am not ready to know. I also knew that my health would not hold as I was deteriorating at a much faster rate than when I was younger.

Opiates work as a depressant.  Pain pills cause many vital organs to work much slower than normal. When the functions of intestines are depressed, the result is horrendous constipation. My intestines were in terrible condition because of this.  Many times, having not shit for a week or more, I was forced to use a saline laxative. This liquid was commonly used by doctors to empty a patient’s bowels in preparation for a colonoscopy. What’s more, this horrible tasting laxative I had been using for years, was later recalled for the damage it caused to one’s kidneys. My kidneys have been damaged as evidenced by an ultrasound I had done a few years ago. Methadone has also been known to cause severe cravings for sweets .

I was literally compelled to eat things such as a quart of ice cream covered in caramel, m&m’s, crushed oreo’s, and topped with chocolate syrup and whipped cream.  The sugar began to eat holes in the lining of my stomach, causing ulcers and indigestion I can’t even describe. I gained roughly 70lbs, and would sweat profusely at the slightest exertion. I generally had to carry two or three shirts everywhere I went. It has been a very miserable existence. Fortunately, my weight is dropping, and I no longer sweat from a walk to the refrigerator for ice cream.


Police and Purdue Pharma

I am from a small town that is living in the wake of an epidemic started by Oxycontin. I cannot possibly remember the names of the vast numbers of friends, and friends of friends that have become addicted to this drug.

Some years ago, there was a dealer that I visited regularly. He was a sickly man, in a wheelchair and had dialysis performed on him twice weekly. He was also a scumbag, though I don’t want to get bogged down in detail. His routine was doctor shopping, obtaining and then selling oxycontin. One day, I got word he may be selling to someone very dear to me. I went to him and said that under no circumstances was it okay with me for him to sell to this person. I also warned him that if I found out, I would report him.

Later that year I found out he was in fact doing what I heard. So making good on my word, I went to the police. I was in the methadone clinic (thinking I was clean) by this time, so it wasn’t hurting my supply. Anyway, I went to the police and had a sit down with the head drug guy. I was surprised to find out they already knew everything I was telling them. They knew he doctor shopped, knew he was selling, and even knew he was a scumbag.

Why didn’t they arrest him then I asked? Because it would cost the prison too much to house him they said. That was their answer to me! This is a guy who had a large hand in starting the oxycontin epidemic in my small town. Something I predicted to the police he would do by the way. However, as I began thinking about it, I realized that the sickly scumbag wasn’t the one truly responsible. I did some research, and became convinced that Purdue Pharma needed to be graced with that title.

Oxycontin is a drug that Purdue Pharma released in 1995, supposedly for chronic pain. I think it is plain to see now however, that this company knew it was creating a drug many people would abuse. This could not be made any clearer when three of Purdue Pharma’s top execs plead guilty in 2007 to criminal charges. They admitted their company had misled doctors and patients by saying that Oxycontin was less prone to abuse than similar drugs because it was a long-acting narcotic.

Purdue Pharma was basically saying that because of Oxycontin’s outer, time released coating, it was “long acting”. It is actually long acting when taken as directed because the drug is time released over a 12 hour period. I’m thinking this is what allowed Purdue Pharma to get away with putting such powerful pain pills on the market. Until that point, one of the strongest, regularly used pain pills was a 5mg Percocet.

5mg Percocet has 5mgs of Oxycodone with 500mgs of acetominophen (tylenol). Oxycontin comes as strong as 80mgs of straight oxycodone. Tell me how any of us with even a sliver of the addictive nature had a chance? Can’t you just picture the glee in their eyes, as these three yo-yo’s dreamed up this mega pill? Do you think for a second they didn’t know thousands would be addicted in a short time? By the same token, do you think they didn’t know that people would begin chewing the pills up, effectively nullifying the time release and giving the person an insta-high?

It would be alright though,  because the methadone clinics were waiting in the wings to welcome all the new-born pill heads. They were there to shift the addiction from oxycontin to the lifesaving drug methadone. Thank goodness they left the light on for us right? Wrong! Rest assured I have plenty of rage in store for those fine folks. Just feel like I need to wait until I’m completely clean first. Lest the unethical dip shits get wind of it and throw me out on my ear before I’m fully detoxed. I don’t think for a second they would hesitate to do it either.

Quickly, I have one more thing to say. I know some people may think that going to the police made me a rat. Others may think it made me a hypocrite, and you all may be right on both points. I just knew what the drugs had done to me, and at all costs, I was going to attempt to intervene on behalf of this loved one. It did not help, nor could anyone have helped me (at that point), but I had to try. Lastly, I want it perfectly clear that I am not angry with law with law enforcement. Quite the contrary actually, as I am very pro law enforcement. However, I do feel they dropped they ball on this matter.


Withdrawal and Pleasure Things

I go to the methadone clinic on Fridays. My usual routine is to get there about 5:30am and wait in line for about 30 minutes. I take the dose for that day at the window and receive 6 take home doses for the week. My rate of decrease has been 5mgs every 2 weeks. In the beginning, this was no problem because if you look at percentages, when on high doses, 5mgs is not all that much. On the other hand, when I am at 45mgs/day, 5mgs is a substantial amount. So, now every 2 weeks I get set for a few days of hell after my decrease.  My last decrease was last Friday (1week ago). I am now leveling out, but this has been the worst week so far.

I have been asked many times what  withdrawal from opiates is like. Most times, I just say that it is the flu X 10. What it’s truly like, if you’ve never experienced it, you’ll never fully understand. The physical is that my calves feel like they are in a vice grips. I hurt to the marrow of my bones. My stomach is constantly churning and diarrhea is a constant. My skin is sore and nothing feels good touching it. There is an overall feeling of the worst kind of uncomfortable you can imagine. Possibly the worst part is the mental- the evil my mind plays.

There is a demon always near. It is in my ear, telling me that I want no part of sobriety and that I am not strong enough to deal with the pain I have been numb to for so long. This is one mean son of a bitch too because he uses the weakest of my weak thoughts against me. It’s as though it has talons that slice through my scalp and crack open my scull. The evil is rifling through parts of my brain, looking for the pleasure thing. It seeks to inject it with more feelgood, making me feel no more. I’m sure this seems crazy to anyone that has never experienced withdrawal.  You would be right, it is most definitely crazy. Things no normal person would think or feel. Good thing for me then because I am not normal. Such are the thoughts and feelings of an opiate addict. I am only putting my interpretation on what many before me have felt, I can assure you. It is a very dark and scary place at times. Fortunately for me, the pleasure thing in my brain has not yet been found. I am still on a path towards the light. Still not looking back.

I want to take a quick second and dedicate this blog to someone. He once was a very good friend of mine and I led him astray. The same way I was led astray by the one before me. Only difference is the one before me never made it out alive as he overdosed and died many years ago. This person knows who he is and has forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself. If and when I make it out of this nightmare, I hope I can help guide him through too. You know who you are and I want you to know that you are a gift to this planet. I feel that we’re going to be a team again, just in a good way this time. You are on my mind buddy, I want you to know that.