Tag Archives: methadone

come harder (methadone addiction)

How I’m feeling today is….uhhhh, well let me just say this. If I had the song “Eye of the Tiger” downloaded, I’d have my ear buds jumpin. I don’t though so “Sail” by Awolnation and “I’m Not Afraid” by Eminem are some of the songs that have been doing just fine. I’ve been feeling amazing the last few days in my methadone addiction detox. Either those Centrum are doing some extraordinary things or I’m just now hitting my stride on this detox train. I cannot discount what a better, more complete diet has probably been doing for me as well. Oh, and let me not forget about the way I have been pushing myself physically at work.

I wonder what people think I mean when I write “push myself physically” at work? I mostly use the phrase on my “daily symptoms log”. I know what I would be thinking. I’d probably be thinking “this guy is just making a few more trips to the water cooler” or, “he’s probably just picking up a few extra boxes of paper to be shredded”. That’s not the case. When I say pushing myself physically at work, I mean just that. I could just sit around dippin’ and dodgin’, writing posts all day if I wanted, but luckily I also have the opportunity to pick up tools to weed-eat, hedge and even mow. If you’re wondering what kind of guy I am to have such a job, I have just two words-state worker. Also, if I hadn’t already mentioned it, I live in “The Sunshine State”, and the sun’s been reading “hot” all damn winter long. So there, I do get physical. In fact I’ve got little bits of grass falling out of my hair on the keyboard now.

As I was saying though, I feel amazing. My habitual way of thinking is also changing. Yesterday, when we were heading to work, my wife asked me, “Don’t you miss the way you used to feel?” Immediately I said “no!”. What she meant was, didn’t I miss the “high”. I wasn’t even thinking of that. Being on such a low dose comparatively, I no longer sweat like the fat pig I was. This is a huge deal if you’ve never experienced it. Just imagine sweating profusely while standing in a room full of people. How do you explain that you’re really not having a panic attack, and that bad body chemistry is the reason you’re drenched in sweat in the middle of winter? It’s crazy. Fucking nuts the way we allow ourselves to live.

My thoughts are also crystal right now. My conversations-every day conversations are full of life and color. If you wouldn’t waste half your life and possibly kill yourself, I would tell you to get hooked on methadone so you can wake yourself up one day to feel the rebirth that I am feeling right now. Other people notice it too. I’ve had people that know nothing of my situation tell me there is something different about me. I think it’s because we that have truly had enough, are being born again. There is a light about us that only knows bright and there is no way to hide it. Still, I must keep my guard up because there are definitely times I’m not at my best.

This Friday will be another one when I give another “fuck you” to the methadone shit hole. I’ll be decreasing to 25mgs/day. I’ll probably be back to writing sad posts, and listening to “Rocket Man” on my MP3 player for a few days. I’m giving fair warning here. My emotions for a few days are generally a mess. I do have one message to “methadone” the medicine though: Is this all you got? I haven’t even missed a day of work because of your dopey ass yet. You’re gonna have to come harder than this-much harder, if you plan on makin’ a run at breaking me. Bitch!

Yeah, I’m a little on the nuts side. But I’m a good feeling nut.

ismelltherain

St. Jude, my path is now found

Call me nuts, but I have an admission to make. AA/NA is not for me! There, I said it. It’s in bold letters for everyone to see. If you find this hard to understand, I’ll say it again; AA/NA is not for me! When I first came to this conclusion I thought,  shit, now I have to go back and change some of my previous posts such as “Tools”. However, I now realize that I cannot and will not do that. This is a growing process for me. A process of trial and error, and in order for it to be accurate and honest, I must leave everything as is. That is, unless my grammar coach reads something, and says I need to go back and revise. But anyway, let’s get to the reason for my post.

I could go on and on about why I feel AA/NA is wrong for me, but that is not why I am writing this. I will simply say this, any message that tells me that I am powerless to do something on my own, is not a message for me. It is not something I can identify with. I know that I walked me into this mess, and I must walk me back out. Maybe the AA/NA message is for you-I don’t know. If it is, that’s not wrong either.  If there is something I wish to be gleaned from this, it would have to be that you (the addict) must find what way works best for you. Because “you” are all that matters. As for me though, I found my message while browsing the net last Wednesday.

All of the feelings I had been having were galvanized when I stumbled across a place called St. Jude. St. Jude has been in the addiction business for a very long time. They have done multiple studies, and in turn have helped many people. All it took was for me to read the first few sentences of their page, for me to know I was home. The people at St. Jude speak my language-they speak it loud, and they speak it clear.

It felt good to read about the studies they had done. Studies that led to their belief that addiction should not be viewed as a disease, but that of habitual and perpetual bad choices. Habits formed by us, the addicts making personal choices to keep doing drugs. Their focus seems to be that of awareness, personal accountability, and the most important-believing in ourselves. I can most certainly dig that shit. I like it-it gives me goose bumps. And when a message gives me goosebumps, that is a message I can live with. There are other things too.

One other thing is believing that we have the power to change, without having to sit in meeting after meeting, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, if you are a person that wants to eventually counsel using addicts, meetings are a good way of reaching them-initially. However, St. Jude believes that the continual admission that we are addicts can keep a person chained to their past. Not to mention the fact that I have kids to raise, a blog to write, video games to play and rain to smell. I cannot do these things sitting in a room somewhere rehashing my past over and over. It’s just not how I want to live. All these messages just fit me you understand? They don’t claim to be right for everyone, but you can’t argue their studies, and success records.

Their studies are complete, and their verifiable success records are second to none-literally. The studies they have done over many years of attending AA/NA meetings cannot be ignored. I believe St. Jude’s methods are tried and true and they will work for anyone that wants them to work. Which is in an of itself what I believe is the key. Do you want to change your life yet, or are you still comfortable in the misery in which you live? I think it’s as simple as that. Weird, considering all the time I’ve spent trying to dissect addiction, the disease. I have one other thing to touch on before I close and it’s off topic, but not really.

This writing thing ain’t easy. I’m not kidding you all, it really isn’t. It’s super easy to write a few good posts. However, doing it day in and day out is I think, what separates the good from the great writers. I don’t claim to be one (great writer) either. It’s obviously something I have done well enough to this point, but we will see if I can continue. I almost had a miserable fail last week though.

I actually had some down time at work on Fri and spent 4.5 hours on a new post. I posted it, rode home, logged back on, and took that gobbledy-gook down quickly. If you don’t know what gobbledy-gook is, picture about three pages of regurgitated shit. Thing is, I caught that one, but I may not catch them all. What I’m trying to say is that there will be good posts and bad-I know this. However, please know that my heart is in every one. If something matters to me, I will write about it. And while I am now doing this blog for me, I want it to eventually be a gift to you. You, are all those struggling with addiction to opiates or whatever else. Hope you enjoyed the post.

ismelltherain

Methadone addiction-a synthetic prison

It’s a bunch of bullshit! That’s my quick, gut reaction to what I feel methadone addiction is. I know that’s not going to explain it though, so I will try explaining in another way. I will quickly say that I am not a medical doctor. All the info I will post is from the research I have done on the net, and info I have gathered via personal experience. I think I probably should have done this nearer the beginning (of the blog), but better late then not at. Here’s what I came up with:

The way I feel when taking methadone is quite different from the way I feel with other opiates. Taking Oxycontin could best be described as orgasmic. I remember it being an intense rush of euphoria that was very potent- an in your face type of high. Oxycontin just busts down the door and wraps you in a tight, electrifying hug, but then lets go relatively quickly. Methadone is much more subtle. Instead of busting down the door, it seeps under, over and through the cracks. It slithers in and around, and gradually wraps me in a warm velvety blanket. The high begins as a distant vibration that slowly envelops until there is a constant thrum reverberating throughout my body. It is long, and lasts for hours and hours. That is the best way I can describe the difference in the two highs. There is also a chemical difference in the two.

People often use the term opiates in a general way to describe all the opiate drugs. There are actually different types of opiates. Oxycontin and heroin are semi-synthetic opiates. Very basically, this means that each have natural properties as well as some man made properties. Methadone on the other hand is completely man made, and is a synthetic opiate. The difference is staggering. The strength of both types is generally measured in half-life. Half-life is the amount of time it takes half the drug to be eliminated (broken down) by your blood. Oxycontin has a half-life of roughly 3 to 4 hours. Methadone, has an average half-life of 22 hours! This is why the methadone clinics can treat patients on a daily, rather than an hourly basis. This is also why overdose is a real threat when using methadone. The euphoric effects have long since worn off while there are still high levels of the drug in the bloodstream. When a person ingests more of the drug to again feel the “high”, the levels become toxic, and overdose can occur.

The way opiates work in the brain is that they mimic a chemical (endorphins) that the body produces naturally in times of great stress or pain. The drug binds to specific opiate receptors in the brain, and causes them to fire off at a much higher rate than normal. The opiates end up taking the place of the endorphins and eventually the brain shuts down that function. Why should the body create something that it no longer needs? The adverse effect of this is highlighted when a person, such as myself, attempts to detox. All the body’s normal defenses against pain are no longer working, so the physical pain associated with detox are made that much more painful. Problems also arise when the body, so starved for essential vitamins and minerals because of a horrible diet,  no longer has a “feel good” hiding these deficiencies. After researching, and without advice from the methadone clinic, I have found that it is very advisable to take  a good multivitamin while detoxing. Thanks for nothing I say to them.

I have already described in an earlier post (named Methadone) what the physical symptoms are like. What I want to make very clear is that the synthetic opiate known as methadone, produces the absolute worst withdrawal symptoms of all the known opiates. It is a very dangerous drug that is used as a not-so-quick fix without addressing the problem that led to us going to the clinic in the first place. I will tell anyone who will listen…these clinics want you comfortably numb. While you are, with no real push to ever get you clean, they can continue to rape you (figuratively)- just as the person that once sold you the Oxycontin did. Never, ever fool yourself into believing they have your best interest in mind. If they did, I would not have been in the same place five years later on a higher dose.

I want to say one last thing. Last Friday, after having such a good week, I decided to decrease for the second week in a row. I am now at 30mgs of methadone/day. As a result of this I have been feeling very bad the past few days. I refuse to say that I shouldn’t have decreased, but the fact still remains…I am in much pain at the moment. I really wish, for the sake of anyone else that does this, and for my sake as well, that I could tell you it’s not painful. It is-you know it is, but I want to show that it can be done. Not only that, I want to show everyone that it can be done without the jackasses at these clinics. I’m now going to go extinguish (rest) myself. Peace, love and all the rest.

ismelltherain

Functioning addict

I was thinking this morning about how some that read this blog may perceive me. I figured some may picture me as the stereotypical drug addict that is dirty, smelly and unkempt? Maybe to some of you, I have been homeless, in and out of jail with track marks up and down my arms. Fact is, I am none of those things. I take a shower every night, never been homeless, never been in jail (because of drugs) and never shot dope. I am married with kids, have a full time job, a car payment and even a mortgage. I could be anyone you know. Wait, let me rephrase that, I am someone you know; your child’s teacher, your therapist, or your grocery store clerk. The consummate functioning addict that doesn’t function, I am.

Still, I hurt. Yesterday was very hard for me physically. It was probably my worst day so far. I will keep on keepin’ on though. My wife, my beautiful wife, is the pillar on which I stand. Thank you so much dear. You have waited on me, patiently for so very long haven’t you? I’m still in the woods, and the storm is raging now but I am coming. I will be home soon.

ismelltherain