Tag Archives: methadone detox

Need anyone’s help

This is a very important post. I have been detoxing for nearly a year and have yet to actually speak face to face with someone that has detoxed from methadone. This cannot be good news. If this isn’t evidence that something is very wrong I do not know what is.

There is also something very wrong with a (methadone) clinic that rapes a person of their riches and many times eventually their life; all this while offering no program for escape. Please do not tell me of the few clinics that do because I believe they are just that- few. I have a problem with even those few too, because of the nature of the drug they push.

For many hooked on opiates including me, the clinic is a welcome respite from the street drug dealers we are used to interacting with. The clinical settings and all the perfectly crafted words combined with our desire to keep using lulls us into a feeling of security. That would be fine if the drug didn’t quietly take every other piece of you that the drug dealers left behind.

Silently at first, this drug weaves its way into every part of your being. It entangles then squeezes out everything down to the calcium in your bone marrow. I know because there is a permanent layer of calcium coating my toilet bowl. I have pictures, and I am not alone. Most just don’t realize or don’t want to realize what it is. If you survive, there will be a time you will realize what methadone did to you.

If you are on methadone, there will come a day when you will feel it woven around your neck. You will struggle because it will be uncomfortable, and sadly many will be choked to death. If you are one that begins the process of un-weaving, it will be a very slow and painful process. It is done one string at a time and every one is painful when pulled. It still can be done, and then you will think of want to do next.

I have come to believe life can be viewed hypothetically as a big scale. Rights and wrongs are on either side, and I believe we cannot be right until the rights outweigh the wrongs. Many of us dealt drugs to support our habit amongst other things, and some things worse than dealing. Many of the wrongs were done to ourselves, but wrongs they still are.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I know better than anyone that I never want to sit around a room and rehash my past over and over. That’s not what I’m saying. I mean helping others with the terribly painful process of pulling methadone strings. This is an awful experience and I believe it is our responsibility to help others never go through it alone.

It’s our responsibility because we need to balance the scales. I believe the clinics know this and that is why they have flooded the internet with so much pro-methadone bullshit. I know there are those out there that have quit, but finding them is the issue.

It can be done, but the methadone clinics will be damned if they facilitate a connection between us. That is why we must do it. We have to band together and pull people from the methadone clinic lines one by one. Then they start pulling their own strings.

I believe methadone is an evil in our society that we all must band together to rid. I know because I’m living it and there is nothing natural about it down to its manufacture. It is a synthetic opiate.

Methadone is man made by the worst in humans- the Nazis. Don’t believe me, look it up. It was name Dolophine after Adolf Hitler. If that isn’t enough proof for you, get addicted and see from where this evil comes. When it is choking the life from you, you will know.

One day I hope we can all look around and see many people we have helped regain all their senses. We were given these senses for a reason, and it wasn’t for them to be snuffed. After all, I believe we all deserve to smell the rain.

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Sun Shines

 Man, what a dark place that was last night.

The sun came up today though. 

You won’t believe me, but the sun was shinin’ at 2am when my skin crawled out of bed.

I know it was shinin’- I saw it in the mirror.

The sun isn’t setting at 8pm tonight because the mirror will still be there- or the man in the mirror.

Please don’t leave me love, I’m comin’ home soon.

Don’t stop prayin’ for me.

I’m sorry for the tantrums, but it hurts sometimes. 

If God’s there, He hears your voice.

Please, please, don’t stop believing in me!

Why Did I Love Opiates?

I did love you. I loved you with my whole heart. I put every extra minute of my time into acquiring you. I made schedules for you, and planned events around you. I drove thousands of miles, and would have driven to the end of everything for you. I stole from my family, and lied to them too. All I did, I did for you.

You were in my thoughts constantly, and I thought we would be always together. There was a time I was convinced there was no other feeling I wanted than the way you could make me un-feel. You helped me forget about my mom, and my childhood. If only you had not made me forget about my kids too.

Why, after all these years of devotion, do you make me feel so sick to leave you? Are you clenching to my muscles, my stomach, my head because you love me too? I feel your grip, but it’s not as tight as it was yesterday. I’m pulling you off, and it’s about time for me to go.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I am slipping away from you now. Every time I take less of you, I creep out as you’re sleeping. I walk out the door, and into the sun, but I still think of you. You know I do don’t you? You made me forget my kids.

Rigs and Methadone Clinics

I’m very pissed off this morning. I guess I should say “was” very pissed off this morning. I went to the methadone clinic to get my take-outs, and as you may or may not know, it is the week I’m supposed to go from 25mgs/day to 20mgs. As it turned out, that wasn’t to be this morning. When I stepped to the window, and said I wanted to decrease to 20mgs, the nurse informed me that it wasn’t going to be possible. Immediately, my blood began to boil as he (nurse) tried explaining that there was a new doctor, and they could no longer do anything (increase or decrease) without the doctor’s written authorization. Boy did I give that nurse an ear full.

First I told him that I thought that was a bunch of bullshit! I told him that I had been decreasing every 2 weeks for months now, and someone damn well should have called me to let me know about this new change. If they had, I’d have told them to go ahead and put the order through to have it ready when I picked up this morning.  To his credit, the nurse was very apologetic, and agreed with everything I was saying. I knew it wasn’t his fault, and I did tell him that. After I left the nurse’s station, I saw the clinic director’s door was open so I used the opportunity let him know too, just how unhappy I was.

The first thing I said was that I thought it was really shitty of that clinic, that is supposedly there to help us, to “interrupt” my decreasing in that way. I explained that this was probably the most important moment in my life, and for them to have a change like that, and not inform me, really showed what they were about.

He then tried excusing the circumstances by pointing out that the clinic serves about 1600 (I thought 2000), and that it would be impossible for them to call everyone to let them know of the change. However, I blew that shit up by asking him just how many of that 1600 were decreasing. After that, he was stumped because he knew that I was correct. They absolutely should have had the decency to call me and let me know of this change, and he knew it. If I was a person teetering on the edge, this kind of thing may have been just the kind of thing to stop my decreasing; instead, it actually had the opposite effect. If anything, this experienced served more in re-galvanizing my will to get up out of there than it anything else.

There was much more that I said to the director, but know this: White hot fire was coming from my mouth, and I wasn’t on 160mgs of methadone to tie my tongue. My words came out clear, concise, and there was nothing anyone at that clinic could say that would make the situation right. It’s a good thing that the director backed down too because this comes down to me getting my life back, and nothing is getting in my way. My rig is big right now, and I’m going to run you the fuck over if you are standing in my way.

The last thing he said to me as I walked out his door was to come see him again when I was at 0mgs. I felt nothing for him as I turned around and said, “you’ll see me again”. My heart tells me this is true, but not in the way he wants to see me. The next time he sees me, I may just have his neck in a dog collar instead of the other way around. What comes around huh? Maybe not, but I do feel there is a story about these places that needs to be told; no matter how comfortable I am in accepting consequences of my own actions.

About my dose: I ended up dosing, but didn’t use water to wash the bottom of the bottle out. Hopefully that was around 5mgs, but I really can’t be sure. I also only took three take-outs so I will be going back on Tues. to get the correct dose amount. I was going to do change my pick-up day anyway because we (the family) are going to be doing some vacationing next month and pick-ups on Friday won’t be possible. What I will do until Tuesday is just use the baby syringe to withdraw 5mgs/day. Fuck ’em!

ismelltherain

Better Than I Used To Be

Things happen sometimes in the weirdest ways. This morning on the way to work my wife said she heard a song that really sounded like me. All she remembered was that it had the words, “I’ve got a few more dances with the devil”, and that it was sung by Tim McGraw. I came in to work and punched it in to Google and the song, “Better Than I Used To Be” popped up. I kid no one when I say I had never heard this song before. Definitely another “Rocket Man” moment. It matches so closely to where I am, at this moment-I just had to post it here. Have I ever said that I love music?

Thx wifey, you’re the best! Almost made me cry.

ismelltherain

Yeah, so what?

I have wasted years and years of my life being a bitch- yeah I have, so what? I lay down and let my addiction to drugs take vacations from me, presents for my kids, dates from my wife; the list could go on and on. Should I dwell on that now and let it chew the ground out from underneath me? No! Especially now, coming out of the fog, when things are becoming real again, I cannot let it destroy me. It tries though-man, does it try.

Instead I will focus on some of the good things that happened during that time. Sure there were some good things. Shit, I found one of the most beautiful people on this earth, and somehow held things together enough to marry her. We have had three unbelievable kids that have smarts beyond my wildest imagination. My four year old could say octagon, and knew what one was when she was turning two. Even if I didn’t have all this, I could still find positives in helping others with the knowledge I’ve gained about being an opiate addict. My life is mine, and I want to share all that I can about this methadone mother fucker.

Now that I am where I am, I can tell myself that today has been complete shit, and I am still 50 times happier than my best day on 160mgs. I think the reason is because I’m dealing with the problems that have been chucked at me rather than numbing myself to them. See what I mean? I don’t mean to say that I have this thing whipped, but I know I’m on the right track. A completely shit filled day and I can still say I’m a happy sum bitch.

ismelltherain

Jasmine Lives

When I think about how lucky I am to be alive, I think about many things. I know you’ve heard addict’s say many times how lucky they are to be alive with all the crazy things they’ve done. I guess I’m the same way, but that is far from what I am writing about here. I think a lot about how truly lucky I am to be alive. I really do, and especially now that all my senses are again responding to the stimuli of life. I mean think of how remote the possibility is that you became you; all the things that had to happen, or not happen for you, the human being to be breathing air right now.

One of the things I’ve been noticing lately is the jasmine outside my front door. If you’re not familiar with jasmine, it grows as a vine, and in the spring blooms one of the smallest yet fragrant flowers I know of. This jasmine is absolutely gorgeous. The vines are about 3” in width, and start at the base of the huge oak that is feet from my front door. It winds up the tree in a beautiful pattern of vein-like trails. Mostly the vines are bare until they reach the canopy of the tree, where the flowers burst through to absorb the light of the sun. I can see, and smell them from below, and it is stunning. I can’t even imagine what it must look like from above. I have lived in this house for six or so years, and never sensed these flowers like I am right now.

I want to tie this all together with this- Knowing how lucky we are to be alive, I think it is best to try to get the absolute most out of life that we can. There is no way we can do that stuck in a rut at a methadone clinic. Actually, as I was thinking about it, I wished the jasmine flowers could be here year round to remind me. Then I realized there are a million other jasmine’s in the world year round. Furthermore, I realized all it will take for me to notice them is not being medicated. When life is over, I want to know there were many springs that I was able to smell the jasmine.

ismelltherain