Tag Archives: methadone clinic

Need for Clarity

Several people, after my “ismelltherain” post on Thursday weren’t clear on what I did so I wanted to clarify. I am going to go day by day and explain exactly how I did, what I did. When I wrote the post on Thursday I was exhausted from 2 days w/out methadone so that probably added to the confusion.

Wednesday morning I woke up with the feeling my body was telling me it was time to quit methadone altogether. I had one bottle left from my weekly doses so I refrained from taking it. I was very nervous, but felt it was the right decision.

I went to work and pushed myself physically¬†all day. I made up eight bottles of Zephyr Hills water with a (restaurant) packet of salt mixed in each. I set out weed eating all day. My boss knew what I was doing so he let me work however I wanted. My day went: drink, work, drink, sweat, drink, pee, drink, work, drink, sweat, drink, pee…

Wednesday evening I was exhausted. Although I took it very easy, I only slept 2 hours that night. I woke for good at 2:30am and watched tv until 6:00am. I had been telling myself that I was going to call in to work all night. However, when time came, my body again said “get up and get to work”.

I rode a bicycle to work. I again made waters, but instead of weed eating, I pressure washed most of the day. By 3:30pm I was waxed and my boss told me to go home. I obliged and rode the bike home. I can now say I never missed a day of work due to methadone detox.

When I got home I was extremely exhausted. I was also exhilarated because I knew I felt better Thursday afternoon then I did that morning. I sat down and wrote “ismelltherain”. Once I was done, I went to bed and didn’t sleep a bit all night. I now know what restless leg syndrome feels like.

Friday we went to Jeckyl Island for the weekend. I did take my remaining methadone bottle with us, but never had to use it. I was able to get 6 hrs sleep both Friday and Saturday night. As a result, I am feeling much better today, but not yet normal.

I will finish out my detox blog later.

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Florida law

I started pulling 2.5mgs from my dose bottle yesterday. I’m now at 12.5mgs/day, and feeling terrible again, but I think I realize something. Once I go down, I feel like total shit for the next few days. Not so much the physical, although it is bad. I’m referring more to the mental aspect, and I think this blog proves what happens.

After decreasing, I go into a terrible depression. I cry, I bitch, I hurt- literally- all that, every time. After a few days I start feeling better. I’m so happy because I remember I’m smelling again. It’s like a manic depression type of thing. I honestly question my sanity sometimes. Then I think back over the cycle and get really pissed off.

I’m pissed because I should not have to question my sanity. I have had no counseling, extra or otherwise, to prepare me for these crazy emotions and everything in between. In fact, during this detox, I spent the longest time in 5 years without a counselor when I requested a “change of counselor” because mine blatantly lied to me on several occasions.

I’m also pissed because I think the clinic decided the lesser of two evils was to interrupt my detox at a very critical time. I had been decreasing every two weeks for quite some time (9months maybe) when I went in set to decrease one week. They prevented from doing so. It was the clinic’s attempt to get in order because doses are not supposed to be adjusted (increase or decrease), per Florida state law, without prior signature of a physician.

Would that have bothered me in the end? Nope. The physician not signing my script beforehand would have never mattered to me. I actually admired my being able to go in every 2 weeks and request a decrease and the nurses grant it. Alas, all good things must end, and Florida laws eventually followed, but to what end? The interruption of a detox schedule I had to create and implement myself without the guidance of my Physician.

That pesky detox schedule that was consequently supposed to, by Florida law, have been prepared with me by my Physician and Counselor. It’s done this way to give me (the patient) maximum control over my detox process. It can be adjusted of course, but again, that would have to be in meeting with the Physician; the Physician whom it happens I HAVE NEVER MET!

All this and more when all I needed was a Physician’s assistance and Counselor’s reassurance (counseling). I wouldn’t have needed the assistance as much as that reassurance- I would have taken that. Oh yes I would have, and I would have had many questions. I would have listened too, and that’s what sucks about it. I wrote a post yesterday about truth, and I think it would have helped in my detox.

What is the truth? Methadone is a monster to withdrawal from, but it has been done. I can do it. Throughout withdrawal from methadone, there are times of extreme pain as well as extreme happiness. These extremes can make one question sanity. It will pass. Don’t focus on either because life lies in the middle.

Is that so fucking hard?

I think it worth quickly noting- what I have written is no secret. It’s sad, but my family and others around me know it. I’m hoping I don’t get into some crazy car accident and they have to pursue this.

I Pulled a Post

I was talking on the phone to my brother last night, and he gave me some advice. That’s very hard for me to take because I have never been one with taking advice. However, I can admit now that I don’t know everything, so I pulled the “6 Skips” post.

While we were talking, I was surprised when he told me that he knew all along that I was still on pills/methadone. His exact words, “Dude, when you gained all that weight and were nodding off with this stupid look on your face at grandma’s, it was obvious”. And here I thought I was being inconspicuous.

I asked him why he never said anything because, “I would have”, I told him. “Because you weren’t very approachable” he says. Haha, how true is that of all addicts? We are not very approachable indeed. Then, when someone does get the balls to approach, we rip their fucking head off for trying to make us feel something.

I am going to do something with my brother this weekend to find out if my feelings are true, or if they are built upon a foundation of sand. For me it will be a true test, but a test I must take. I will come here, and admit I was wrong, if that is what I learn. Until then at least, I’ll drop the “6 Skips”, and be comfortable admitting that I don’t have all the answers.

Thx a lot numb-nut ūüėČ

Why Did I Love Opiates?

I did love you. I loved you with my whole heart. I put every extra minute of my time into acquiring you. I made schedules for you, and planned events around you. I drove thousands of miles, and would have driven to the end of everything for you. I stole from my family, and lied to them too. All I did, I did for you.

You were in my thoughts constantly, and I thought we would be always together. There was a time I was convinced there was no other feeling I wanted than the way you could make me un-feel. You helped me forget about my mom, and my childhood. If only you had not made me forget about my kids too.

Why, after all these years of devotion, do you make me feel so sick to leave you? Are you clenching to my muscles, my stomach, my head because you love me too? I feel your grip, but it’s not as tight as it was yesterday. I’m pulling you off, and it’s about time for me to go.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I am slipping away from you now. Every time I take less of you, I creep out as you’re sleeping. I walk out the door, and into the sun, but I still think of you. You know I do don’t you? You made me forget my kids.

Rigs and Methadone Clinics

I’m very pissed off this morning. I guess I should say “was” very pissed off this morning. I went to the methadone clinic to get my take-outs, and as you may or may not know, it is the week I’m supposed to go from 25mgs/day to 20mgs. As it turned out, that wasn’t to be this morning. When I stepped to the window, and said I wanted to decrease to 20mgs, the nurse informed me that it wasn’t going to be possible. Immediately, my blood began to boil as he (nurse) tried explaining that there was a new doctor, and they could no longer do anything (increase or decrease) without the doctor’s written authorization. Boy did I give that nurse an ear full.

First I told him that I thought that was a bunch of bullshit! I told him that I had been decreasing every 2 weeks for months now, and someone damn well should have called me to let me know about this new change. If they had, I’d have told them to go ahead and put the order through to have it ready when I picked up this morning.¬† To his credit, the nurse was very apologetic, and agreed with everything I was saying. I knew it wasn’t his¬†fault, and I did tell him that. After I left the nurse’s station, I saw the clinic director’s door was open so I used the opportunity let him know too, just how unhappy I was.

The first thing I said was that I thought it was really shitty of that clinic, that is supposedly there to help us, to “interrupt” my decreasing in that way. I explained that this was probably the most important moment in my life, and for them to have a change like that, and not inform me, really showed what they were about.

He then tried excusing the circumstances by pointing out that the clinic serves about 1600 (I thought 2000), and that it would be impossible for them to call everyone to let them know of the change. However, I blew that shit up by asking him just how many of that 1600 were decreasing. After that, he was stumped because he knew that I was correct. They absolutely should have had the decency to call me and let me know of this change, and he knew it. If I was a person teetering on the edge, this kind of thing may have been just the kind of thing to stop my decreasing; instead, it actually had the opposite effect. If anything, this experienced served more in re-galvanizing my will to get up out of there than it anything else.

There was much more that I said to the director, but know this: White hot fire was coming from my mouth, and I wasn’t on 160mgs of methadone to tie my tongue. My words came out clear, concise, and there was nothing anyone at that clinic could say that would make the situation right. It’s a good thing that the director backed down too because this comes down to me getting my life back, and nothing is getting in my way. My rig is big right now, and I’m going to run you the fuck over if you are standing in my way.

The last thing he said to me as I walked out his door was to come see him again when I was at 0mgs. I felt nothing for him as I turned around and said, “you’ll see me again”. My heart tells me this is true, but not in the way he wants to see me. The next time he sees me, I may just have his neck in a dog collar instead of the other way around. What comes around huh? Maybe not, but I do feel there is a story about these places that needs to be told; no matter how comfortable I am in accepting consequences of my own actions.

About my dose: I ended up dosing, but didn’t use water to wash the bottom of the bottle out. Hopefully that was around 5mgs, but I really can’t be sure. I also only took three take-outs so I will be going back on Tues. to get the correct dose amount. I was going to do change my pick-up day anyway because we (the family) are going to be doing some vacationing next month and pick-ups on Friday won’t be possible. What I will do until Tuesday is just use the baby syringe to withdraw 5mgs/day. Fuck ’em!

ismelltherain