How I’m feeling today is….uhhhh, well let me just say this. If I had the song “Eye of the Tiger” downloaded, I’d have my ear buds jumpin. I don’t though so “Sail” by Awolnation and “I’m Not Afraid” by Eminem are some of the songs that have been doing just fine. I’ve been feeling amazing the last few days in my methadone addiction detox. Either those Centrum are doing some extraordinary things or I’m just now hitting my stride on this detox train. I cannot discount what a better, more complete diet has probably been doing for me as well. Oh, and let me not forget about the way I have been pushing myself physically at work.
I wonder what people think I mean when I write “push myself physically” at work? I mostly use the phrase on my “daily symptoms log”. I know what I would be thinking. I’d probably be thinking “this guy is just making a few more trips to the water cooler” or, “he’s probably just picking up a few extra boxes of paper to be shredded”. That’s not the case. When I say pushing myself physically at work, I mean just that. I could just sit around dippin’ and dodgin’, writing posts all day if I wanted, but luckily I also have the opportunity to pick up tools to weed-eat, hedge and even mow. If you’re wondering what kind of guy I am to have such a job, I have just two words-state worker. Also, if I hadn’t already mentioned it, I live in “The Sunshine State”, and the sun’s been reading “hot” all damn winter long. So there, I do get physical. In fact I’ve got little bits of grass falling out of my hair on the keyboard now.
As I was saying though, I feel amazing. My habitual way of thinking is also changing. Yesterday, when we were heading to work, my wife asked me, “Don’t you miss the way you used to feel?” Immediately I said “no!”. What she meant was, didn’t I miss the “high”. I wasn’t even thinking of that. Being on such a low dose comparatively, I no longer sweat like the fat pig I was. This is a huge deal if you’ve never experienced it. Just imagine sweating profusely while standing in a room full of people. How do you explain that you’re really not having a panic attack, and that bad body chemistry is the reason you’re drenched in sweat in the middle of winter? It’s crazy. Fucking nuts the way we allow ourselves to live.
My thoughts are also crystal right now. My conversations-every day conversations are full of life and color. If you wouldn’t waste half your life and possibly kill yourself, I would tell you to get hooked on methadone so you can wake yourself up one day to feel the rebirth that I am feeling right now. Other people notice it too. I’ve had people that know nothing of my situation tell me there is something different about me. I think it’s because we that have truly had enough, are being born again. There is a light about us that only knows bright and there is no way to hide it. Still, I must keep my guard up because there are definitely times I’m not at my best.
This Friday will be another one when I give another “fuck you” to the methadone shit hole. I’ll be decreasing to 25mgs/day. I’ll probably be back to writing sad posts, and listening to “Rocket Man” on my MP3 player for a few days. I’m giving fair warning here. My emotions for a few days are generally a mess. I do have one message to “methadone” the medicine though: Is this all you got? I haven’t even missed a day of work because of your dopey ass yet. You’re gonna have to come harder than this-much harder, if you plan on makin’ a run at breaking me. Bitch!
Yeah, I’m a little on the nuts side. But I’m a good feeling nut.