Tag Archives: family

My Grad

I’ve written most of this blog about my three young kids as if they were the only ones. It’s because I have been ashamed of the father I’ve been to my oldest. That is very difficult for me to admit. My oldest, Dev was born when I was really young, and me and her Mom (ex g/f) always been best friends. It’s not surprising that Dev has never known for sure- that she is a treasure I most treasure.

She is a perfect combination of her Mom and me. I think she got the best parts of both because she was given the smarts and beauty of her Mom, but she got my heart. My heart is something I’m happy with. She hasn’t yet learned how to express hers, but she’s still young. When she finds the voice to go with her gorgeous and everything, she will beast the world.

I recently took her to dinner for “the talk”. I have railed on her for years about the dangers of drugs, but always as if I was an outsider. My wife advised me many times to “just be honest with her”, but there was no way. Call it what you will, but I wasn’t looking in her eyes like that. Until now it would surely have been a talk AA would have praised. It would have gone something like this:

“Dev, I am an addict with a disease. I want you to know that drugs control me. I have been a terrible father because of it.  I am so sorry for everything, and hopefully one day I can find a way to stop. Hopefully one day I will be able turn all my problems over, and be given the power to face them. If I do, I promise to call once a week to remind you of the shithead I’ve been; right after my meeting.”

That is not a talk I was interested in having. I would have died drugging first. Would that have been better? I don’t know for sure. She would have never had answers to her questions, but her Mom did a wonderful job with her in my absence. I think Dev would have ovecome, but she didn’t have to. I gave her the talk I have always wanted to give her.

No, I wasn’t the best father in the world. I did take steps to shield her from what I was doing, but that wasn’t enough. I know she questioned whether or not I ever cared. That question is now answered. She knows I care. There was a hole in her heart that is now filled so she doesn’t have to waste her life looking for artificial things to fill it.

Our blood has a chink in its armor with regards to addiction, but Dev knows that the blood also contains the antidote. Anyone can look at stories and stats of the many that have attempted to pull these methadone hooks from their person. Very few have done it, and even fewer in the way that I am doing it. Its called fire in the blood, and a person is born with it or they weren’t. Devan was.

To Dev:

I’m almost done and I’m coming out of this hole to show you there is nothing on earth more powerful than us. Just the two of us. There is nothing you don’t posses the power to do. Be ever conscious that you have the power, and never be afraid to use it. I want you to always be thankful for it because I believe it is a gift not of this world.

You know I would have never spoken to you if it meant telling you I couldn’t do this. If I can do this, you can go to college and be whatever you dream. You live in the greatest country on earth. It is the perfect atmosphere to foster and birth dreams. Now do it! If you ever doubt yourself, come find me. I will take your hands, turn them palm down and show you the fire in your veins.

I love you so, my beautiful honor graduate!

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Burn black hole

I want to say first how exceptional I feel today. It was a little less than a week ago that I sat in the very spot I am sitting now, and crumbled. All the pain, sorrow, loss and regret visited me when I was alone.  I’m alone now, and no, I’m not clean, but I’m cleaner than I was two weeks ago. I woke up on Sunday, and desired the beach.

Do you have any idea how long it has been since I wanted, needed that white sand between my toes? I’ll tell you- it’s been many years. That salt air hit my nostrils, and I knew heaven on earth. I played with my kids , played in the waves like I was a kid, and it felt. I went under the water to let the waves churn me then spit me back out again. I was conscious and thankful for every second me, my wife, and kids had there together.

On the way home the kids slept a deep sleep that only play at the beach brings. Me and my wife actually talked about the future, and all the opportunities now opening. All this only possible because I pulled from within, a desire for a life free from a black hole- a black hole that consumes so much, yet gives so empty. Good God I hope every single person that reads this finds theirs. I don’t care what the vice, just dig deep because we all have it- I truly believe that. You have to find it, and feed it full every day.

I’m burnt badly today and it hurts- can you understand why this brings me unbelievable joy?