Category Archives: Uncategorized

House not a mansion

How is it that methadone can trick a mind into thinking so many crazy things? The drug is supposed to mess with pain receptors right? I was thinking today about all the perceptions opiates distort. Sometimes it’s hard to think back to my life before pain pills, but I do remember a time.

Just down the block from my home there stood a mansion that I would walk by on my way to and from school. Every day when I was young, I would pass it, and dream of one day growing old in that house. It was most beautiful to me. Then I took my first pain pill, and found all I needed for the next however many years.

I was good and numb, but I still kept that mansion in the back of my mind. Silently I would cut myself to pieces as I thought of the time I wasted chasing a high. If only I had been working, putting all my money into the acquisition of that mansion.  At the very least, these thoughts gave me a reason to continue fucking myself up.

One day though, I found that something (nobody knows what) that people get when they finally decide to get their shit together. I’m rebuilding my life when that mansion comes back up again. I’m searching for answers, and I can’t help but think about it. I’m going to tell you of a funny thing that happened at a certain point.

I looked around, and knew that no matter what I thought I wanted, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I know because I drove past that mansion the other day. I admired it still for all that it was to me when I was so young and foolish. However, it was a prolific moment because I finally realized that it wasn’t a mansion after all- it was just a house.

It still looked the same, but I had changed. Besides, the home I live in has walls of gold, marble floors and an open roof so I can watch the stars. It was a good day when I realized; I don’t miss a fucking thing because I know now, in my heart, that I am in the exact home I was meant for. The best thing…it came with a Queen. Thank you!

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I feel that I feel

As I dust myself of the misery of the many years of opiate addiction, I have been processing, and dealing with some very harsh realizations. Some of the realizations are of those no longer with me such as my cousin Josh, and step-sister Ashley.

When they died, I was doing drugs and I was numb. Of course I felt remorse, but it was completely different from truly “feeling” remorse. More like I knew I should be remorseful so therefor I was- or I thought I was. Was I? I really don’t know so I can’t say for sure.

I know I was concerned enough about the appearance that I wasn’t remorseful. My consciousness of the appearance caused me to take extra time arriving to my cousin’s funeral. I didn’t want to sit up front with my wife and family crying, and me- nothing.

I remember looking at my wife, make-up streaming down her face, and asking myself, “does she wonder why I don’t cry?” I didn’t know why myself, but it certainly wasn’t the opiates- not in my mind at that time. It was the opiates, and I know that now.

I know that it was the drugs with more certainty now than ever before because all the tears are flowing now. I am so conscious now of a life without them that there are times I feel my insides are going to burst with sorrow. I never dealt with this pain then, and because of that, it’s like they just died last night.

Sometimes it is very hard to deal with all these old, but brand new emotions rushing in. It really is an exhilarating time to be smelling, tasting, eating the food of lives again. And while it is true that most taste divine, some taste bitter, some are nauseating, and some bite back.

I had a dream about Ashley (step-sister) last night for maybe the first time since she died. Of my sisters, brothers, and cousins in our youth, she would have been the one picked to go furthest in life. She was the most responsible, most trusted, and received the most scholastic accolades. Her going far in life was never to be.

Ashley’s love for one guy ended up being the catalyst into that which took her soul, and ultimately her life. She married “one guy” and this selfish fuck caused her great pain. He destroyed her credit, her ego, her life, and then led her down a path, and wed her to another- a pain killing love. This new love gave her the attention she craved, but it was of the worst sort. It wrapped her in it’s numbing arms, and squeezed the life from her body on May 8, 2007.

My cousin Josh died in a car accident in the early morning hours of Nov. 21, 2010. He was a beautiful person with a zeal for living like I’ve never known. If I’m great with words, Josh was the Jedi master. He always knew exactly what to say, and when to say it. There is a huge hole in family gatherings without him, and I miss him deeply. I am working on a post dedicated to him, so that’s all I’ll say for now.

What I wanted to convey in this post is that “feeling” again can cut both ways. On one side the food tastes so very good- on the other side, it’s so hot that it burns like hell. Either way, I can say with honesty, it is still much better than no feeling at all.