Things happen sometimes in the weirdest ways. This morning on the way to work my wife said she heard a song that really sounded like me. All she remembered was that it had the words, “I’ve got a few more dances with the devil”, and that it was sung by Tim McGraw. I came in to work and punched it in to Google and the song, “Better Than I Used To Be” popped up. I kid no one when I say I had never heard this song before. Definitely another “Rocket Man” moment. It matches so closely to where I am, at this moment-I just had to post it here. Have I ever said that I love music?
When I think about how lucky I am to be alive, I think about many things. I know you’ve heard addict’s say many times how lucky they are to be alive with all the crazy things they’ve done. I guess I’m the same way, but that is far from what I am writing about here. I think a lot about how truly lucky I am to be alive. I really do, and especially now that all my senses are again responding to the stimuli of life. I mean think of how remote the possibility is that you became you; all the things that had to happen, or not happen for you, the human being to be breathing air right now.
One of the things I’ve been noticing lately is the jasmine outside my front door. If you’re not familiar with jasmine, it grows as a vine, and in the spring blooms one of the smallest yet fragrant flowers I know of. This jasmine is absolutely gorgeous. The vines are about 3” in width, and start at the base of the huge oak that is feet from my front door. It winds up the tree in a beautiful pattern of vein-like trails. Mostly the vines are bare until they reach the canopy of the tree, where the flowers burst through to absorb the light of the sun. I can see, and smell them from below, and it is stunning. I can’t even imagine what it must look like from above. I have lived in this house for six or so years, and never sensed these flowers like I am right now.
I want to tie this all together with this- Knowing how lucky we are to be alive, I think it is best to try to get the absolute most out of life that we can. There is no way we can do that stuck in a rut at a methadone clinic. Actually, as I was thinking about it, I wished the jasmine flowers could be here year round to remind me. Then I realized there are a million other jasmine’s in the world year round. Furthermore, I realized all it will take for me to notice them is not being medicated. When life is over, I want to know there were many springs that I was able to smell the jasmine.
I want some help with something. I have been asking my wife for several years now to ok me expanding the tattoo on my back (right bellow neck). She has always declined. I told her recently that I wanted to design the tattoo, and have it done to symbolize a new beginning after I am clean of methadone. She immediately said “fine with me”, as long as I’m detoxed. That may be viewed as manipulative on my part, but it is nonetheless true. Problem is, I honestly don’t know how I want to design it. I saw the poll thing here and thought, why not? I’ll create a poll, and let it run until the day I take my last dose of methadone. Then I will use the results to pick what I’ll do. Of course I’ll post a pic when I have it designed, and then again when I have it done.
In my brainstorming post, I made a quick comment that music was chicken soup for the soul. Of course the comment was cliche’-I knew it was when I wrote it. I was brainstorming though so I feel I deserve a pass. I will attempt to explain what music is to me now- for a little redemption maybe.
Music to me is nostalgia, and deja vu. It’s a beautiful bird, with the most beautiful feathers, soaring high in the sky. It’s an angry storm full of fury. It’s a light rain on a cool autumn morning. It’s the clouds in the sky, rolling, shifting, changing as it flows. It’s hurt, it’s love, it’s pain and it’s tears. It is very simply, what it is.
Music can help me to cry when I need to let it out. I love music because it can motivate when I need motivation. Years ago when the radio played the song “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, tell me you weren’t ready to go to school, find the biggest bully, and box the shit out of him? Show me a guy that says he didn’t do that, and I will show you a liar. Music is everything I am, and everything I strive to be. Music just moves me like that.
Sometimes, but not very often, when I’m listening to a song it can seem as though the song was written for only me, about only me. These are times when each line matches my life as closely as the last. When the song comes to an end, I can usually be found leaning against something, staring out into nothing at all. Covered in gooseflesh, I am lost in a dream, and I do not want to return. It happened to me today, after downloading “Elton John’s Greatest Hits” on my dummy phone. I’ll just give you the first few lines, and then you can listen to this beautiful song if you wish. If you are like my coworker, and do not like Elton John, I’ll tell you what I told him…I’m going to come kick you in the knee.
She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I’m gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It’s lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight.
I feel great today. Went to the beach with my family on Sunday and wow! Talk about a sensory overload. No, it wasn’t an overload, but it was great. The sights, smells, girls…hold up, did I just say that? It’s okay, I meant my girls. What were you thinking? Really looking forward to work today also. Isn’t it ironic that the things we hated so when young, are the things we end up loving the most as we get older. Haven’t we all heard stories of people that died right after retirement? I wonder if some just give up, feeling as though they are no longer a valid part of society? Nothing could be further from the truth of course, but I wonder sometimes how I will feel about it. Anyway, I know most of my posts have been and will continue to be downers, so I thought I would do a little brainstorming just for fun.
I love the colors light blue and royal blue used together. Game of Thrones is one of the best on tv at the moment. I never get tired of Lucky Charms. I hate hot winters. Where did that tic come from? What works for me, may not be what works for you. My family should spend more time together. Troy from Swamp People is so damn cool. Why have my dreams been so vivid lately? Homemade Toll House chocolate chip cookies are the best cookies ever made. Girl scout cookies run a close second. How could anyone pick dusk over dawn? There is nothing like the first sip of coffee in the morning. Why are most of my thoughts about food? Music is chicken soup for the soul. I never knew how much writing could help me. Until my kids have kids, they will never know how much I love them. I will probably never fly in a plane again. I have an insatiable desire to see more of my country. I can’t believe I spelled insatiable right the first time. I have no desire to travel outside my country. Is their a God? I love knowing people are reading my words. Will I smell the rain in one year?
Man, that is very fun thing to do. Think I might pull this post up and add to it every so often.