Why I left

I’m sure some of the people that once visited this blog concluded I relapsed since it’s been such a long time since I’ve written. That’s what I would think. The truth is, I’ve been opiate free since June 13, 2012. There are however, several reasons I stayed away.

Reason 1: Embarrassment. I was a little embarrassed about how crazy some of my posts were during my detox.

Reason 2: Exhaustion. Put simply, I was tired of writing. I wrote so much through my detox that for a while, I didn’t want to write a sentence.

Reason 3: Focused. I was focused on living my life drug free. There is a reason many couples crash when one gets clean. I had to focus on that because I nearly lost my family after getting sober.

These are three very short reasons, but in reality they are quite complicated. I will try in the coming weeks/months to get more in depth with each. No promises though. I think I have some valuable
“after the fact” info to pass on, but I’m not completely sure I want to.

One thing I will pass on now is that I have not used any AA/NA programs to get where I am. I agree with their belief of passing on what I have learned about detox, but that is just about where my agreement with them ends. Anyone that has read this blog knows that I will never call myself an addict, I don’t give a shit about remaining anonymous and I have never been powerless against my former drug of choice.

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9 responses to “Why I left

  1. Glad to see you back, and glad to hear you’re staying clean.

  2. So glad to hear from you. Your blog is a precious gift and companion as I begin the journey. Many blessings ~

  3. Congratulation to you and thank you for your story. Currently at 14mg and needed some inspiration! Enjoy your life Aashston, you have won the war.

    • That you very much. You’re very close…keep fighting.

      • Do you think there is much difference jumping from 10 mg as opposed to tapering all the way to zero. I know everyone is different but our time on Methadone and age and highest mg ever reached are all almost identical.

      • I have said this many times since I quit. I actually quit at 12.5mgs, but if I had it to do over again, I would have tapered on down. I was also advised by a doctor I met online to keep tapering down. The problem was that I was completely fed up with the clinic I was going to, and sick of the whole detox process in general. I was just ready to have it over. So my advice would be that if you are in a comfortable place, and have confidence in your clinic, taper on down. It will still be pretty rough, but just not as bad. One other positive thing: Even as bad as I felt, I only missed 1/2 day of work due to withdrawals through the whole detox process. Just keep pushing yourself, but also listen to your body about when to slack up. As long as you’re honest with yourself, you’ll be okay. Good luck.

  4. I can understand being embarassed. I ranted about the clinic alot during my detox, some of which I still feel totally justified in, and other things I know now was just my way of letting go of that place and all their flawed procedures and thinking. My clinic did not handle my detox properly either, nor did they ever encourage me to continue with doing so. Some places have after therapy for up to a year to help you cope, but after a month I wasn’t even technically allowed in the building. (Not that I wanted to be, as the counseling is sub-par anyway, but it still felt like falling off the planet for awhile.) I too eventually just jumped off at 15 mgs. I had tried a real cold turkey detox at 150 mgs the year before, and I must say the difference was pretty big for me, physically and mentally. I lasted 3 months and still had some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms, in my opinion at that time. Perhaps though, I was simply not ready to let go. This time my symptoms were horrendous but not nearly as long lasting. By the third month I sure never thought of going back and I felt no physical symptoms besides perhaps more exhaustion at the end of a day. By the year mark I still found it incredible I had ever waited so long to leave, and ashamed at the fear of withdrawal that had held me back so long. I rounded the bend of my 2nd year, and while I am still doing damage control in many of my personal relationships, I am incredibly grateful for the life I fought so hard to rebuild.

    Don’t think for a moment your blog does not inspire people and help others. Naysayers be damned, your journey is your own! I know I originally came here only seeking some magic knowledge that would make my detox as pain-free as possible, and it did help to lessen some of the withdrawals, but mostly it inspired me to continue, knowing others HAD done it and succeeded. I determined I would be one of them or I’d die trying, plain and simple actually, and a revelation I am still proud to have come to.

    Just wanted to say thanks for your unknown part in my recovery!

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