I started pulling 2.5mgs from my dose bottle yesterday. I’m now at 12.5mgs/day, and feeling terrible again, but I think I realize something. Once I go down, I feel like total shit for the next few days. Not so much the physical, although it is bad. I’m referring more to the mental aspect, and I think this blog proves what happens.
After decreasing, I go into a terrible depression. I cry, I bitch, I hurt- literally- all that, every time. After a few days I start feeling better. I’m so happy because I remember I’m smelling again. It’s like a manic depression type of thing. I honestly question my sanity sometimes. Then I think back over the cycle and get really pissed off.
I’m pissed because I should not have to question my sanity. I have had no counseling, extra or otherwise, to prepare me for these crazy emotions and everything in between. In fact, during this detox, I spent the longest time in 5 years without a counselor when I requested a “change of counselor” because mine blatantly lied to me on several occasions.
I’m also pissed because I think the clinic decided the lesser of two evils was to interrupt my detox at a very critical time. I had been decreasing every two weeks for quite some time (9months maybe) when I went in set to decrease one week. They prevented from doing so. It was the clinic’s attempt to get in order because doses are not supposed to be adjusted (increase or decrease), per Florida state law, without prior signature of a physician.
Would that have bothered me in the end? Nope. The physician not signing my script beforehand would have never mattered to me. I actually admired my being able to go in every 2 weeks and request a decrease and the nurses grant it. Alas, all good things must end, and Florida laws eventually followed, but to what end? The interruption of a detox schedule I had to create and implement myself without the guidance of my Physician.
That pesky detox schedule that was consequently supposed to, by Florida law, have been prepared with me by my Physician and Counselor. It’s done this way to give me (the patient) maximum control over my detox process. It can be adjusted of course, but again, that would have to be in meeting with the Physician; the Physician whom it happens I HAVE NEVER MET!
All this and more when all I needed was a Physician’s assistance and Counselor’s reassurance (counseling). I wouldn’t have needed the assistance as much as that reassurance- I would have taken that. Oh yes I would have, and I would have had many questions. I would have listened too, and that’s what sucks about it. I wrote a post yesterday about truth, and I think it would have helped in my detox.
What is the truth? Methadone is a monster to withdrawal from, but it has been done. I can do it. Throughout withdrawal from methadone, there are times of extreme pain as well as extreme happiness. These extremes can make one question sanity. It will pass. Don’t focus on either because life lies in the middle.
Is that so fucking hard?
I think it worth quickly noting- what I have written is no secret. It’s sad, but my family and others around me know it. I’m hoping I don’t get into some crazy car accident and they have to pursue this.