I Pulled a Post

I was talking on the phone to my brother last night, and he gave me some advice. That’s very hard for me to take because I have never been one with taking advice. However, I can admit now that I don’t know everything, so I pulled the “6 Skips” post.

While we were talking, I was surprised when he told me that he knew all along that I was still on pills/methadone. His exact words, “Dude, when you gained all that weight and were nodding off with this stupid look on your face at grandma’s, it was obvious”. And here I thought I was being inconspicuous.

I asked him why he never said anything because, “I would have”, I told him. “Because you weren’t very approachable” he says. Haha, how true is that of all addicts? We are not very approachable indeed. Then, when someone does get the balls to approach, we rip their fucking head off for trying to make us feel something.

I am going to do something with my brother this weekend to find out if my feelings are true, or if they are built upon a foundation of sand. For me it will be a true test, but a test I must take. I will come here, and admit I was wrong, if that is what I learn. Until then at least, I’ll drop the “6 Skips”, and be comfortable admitting that I don’t have all the answers.

Thx a lot numb-nut 😉

Advertisements

4 responses to “I Pulled a Post

  1. Bravo….I think the beauty of self discovery is that you learn that there are no definite lines. In recovery there are no rights and wrongs so to speak, there are only experiences and from those experiences we find what works “for us” and what doesnt work “for us”. What may be good for you might not be good for me. All recovery programs are is a means for the user to become more aware of him or her self. If you chiseled away all decorations what you have left is an outline for living that doesnt require drugs or alcohol. The decision to stop using has nothing to do with recovery. Recovery is about rebuilding and repairing all the damage we have caused ourselves so that when we look in the mirror we are happy at what we see. So that we can stand in a crowd and feel comfortable in our own skin. So that we can hold our head up high and not shy away from real conversation. AA never got me sober simply because i wasnt ready to be sober. No program in the world is going to “save” a user from their drug. We stop when the pain is sufficient enough. We stop when getting high no longer gets us high. We stop when the idea of death becomes a sensible alternative to life. After we stop….well then comes the hard part!

    • Well, I can’t speak for all, but for me, when I stop is when my new life begins. That in general is why I don’t think I like AA’s message. IMO we need to be conscious of the past, but not dwell on it for years. Why would I want to go sit in a dank room rehashing my past, when I could be sitting in my living room playing MW3 with my son? BUT, I realize as you said, this is a growing process, and what I feel today, I may not feel tomorrow. I don’t feel as though my attitude will change, but I am open to wherever my itty bitty mind takes me. Now git ready, cause I’m bout to tell the story of ismelltherain. 🙂

  2. your story is amazing its several pages out of my book. I can’t stop reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s