facts are facts

I really wish I could come here, and give a positive upbeat message today, but facts are facts- I cannot. I feel like shit, so I will give it just like I feel it. Besides be honest- If I were to come here every day feeling all peppy and shit, you’d know I wasn’t really getting clean wouldn’t you? Let me rephrase that- methadone addicts would know I was full of shit. So this post is for my brothers and sisters in pain.

We have to know this is going to pass. I’ve said it many times, but my wife knew exactly what I needed to hear this morning, when I told her I was in a bad place. She spoke the words, “well, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy”. That’s right my beautiful, I did know it.

But FUCK, why does it have to be?! I’m crying my eyes out right now, but at least I feel it. Mother fuck, at least I feel something. That bullshit kept me feeling nothing for so long, I thought I had no more tears to cry- I literally believed that. I didn’t even cry at my cousins funeral, but I’m crying now Josh. Fuck, I miss you so much now you wouldn’t know.

Hold on tight now you fucking cock sucking, life draining FUCK. You’ve got about 8 weeks left methadone, until I put you to sleep for good.

I have to add something to this post. It is now the morning after I wrote the above. Anyone that thinks the above is some attempt at adding drama has never withdrawn from methadone. It is deadly serious and I found myself wondering why I wasn’t in a hospital detoxing. With the amount of craziness that comes from within, I think we probably at the very least should be under a doctor’s supervision.

Yesterday was a terrible day from the start. I had diarrhea all the day long that pulled me down physically and mentally. I came home to an empty house (wife and kids @ church). I sat at the corner of a dark table, in a dark room, and darkness swarmed me.

It was a swarm of wasps too, not bees. Wasps are meat eaters, bees are not. That’s why wasp stings are so much more painful than bee stings. Wasps inject a toxin into its victim that breaks down tissue. This enables the wasp to slurp away the meat it seeks. Pretty nasty shit huh?

I was being swarmed by wasps that sought to break down my wellness. I felt them probing the files in my brain, and picking out the ones that could break my will the fastest. There were parts of my will that were already liquifying, and the wasps were beginning to slurp it away. It may have eaten all too, had my wife and kids not been so close to home. I very likely would have been on the phone, looking up old dealers for drugs. I didn’t though, and I feel I gained two lessons from the pit of hell.

The first is that I cannot get over confident. If I take my eye off my goal for even a second, there are wasps waiting to swarm over me. It’s as if they sense when weakness is abound, and they are always poised, ready for an assault. In retrospect, maybe that is what the doctor meant when she said to beware of strong negative “emotions”. Whether negative or not, I think it might also apply to over-confidence; that is a powerful emotion in itself.

The second is something I need to impress on methadone addicts. I will say this- you had better have your chickens in line BEFORE attempting detox. What I mean is you better be firmly grounded on a foundation of people that care only for your wellbeing. I don’t care if it’s an AA/NA sponsor(s), a spouse, parent(s) or whomever. You decide who(m) it will be, but the person(s) must be near at all times. Do not look around one night and find all you have are the wasps to talk to. Have you ever tried to talk a wasp out of stinging you? If so, how did that work out for you?

I’ll be true; I completely believe that had I still had any contact whatsoever with dealers and the like, I would have fallen last night. My wife came home, washed the kids, put them to bed, and then climbed into our bed without the slightest knowledge of what I had just been through. Still, having her warm body next to me was calming. I relaxed, let her positive energy envelope me, and went to sleep. It wasn’t easy, and I slept fitfully, but I slept. I’m awake today, stronger, having dealt with a severe attack on my will, by wasps I couldn’t see to swat. Thank heaven my wife was there with bug spray for them shits. 🙂

3 responses to “facts are facts

  1. I know exactly how you feel, I had the same day yesterday. The negative emotions they tell you to watch out for, aren’t the negative emotions from your childhood, it’s not like we know what to expect. The negativity seeps into my body, escapes only through my tear ducts, and never at will.
    A couple days ago I had a day where my feelings could not be withheld and I took them out, though he does understand, on my boyfriend and felt awful. I asked him to read about methadone withdrawal, and he did. When I was feeling so low that next day, he put his arms around me, pulled me down onto the couch, and just held me. The comfort that their warmth brings, nothing compares, nothing comes close. And I owe a lot to him.

    Hope you are feeling better, I know some days are just so much harder than others. Wait for the POSITIVE ones, : )

    • Yep, I had a bad en for sure. Not a good feeling at all! feeling much better today, but I’m taking it easy. Thank goodness I have the job I do. I’m very happy you have someone there with you. I wouldn’t even want to think about what it would be like alone. Sendin positive vibes out ur way Ivy!

  2. I am sorry that you are feeling shitty – I understand 110% Once you dip down below 25mg it is when the body says hold on Mother Fucker what are you doing to me???? You have numbed me for a long time and now you want me to do what…..feel things, more things????? WHY????? I am also assuming there is some science behind why clinics start us out at 25mg…maybe they know that our emotions become numb some where at this level and up….who knows. I know mine sure did.

    Anyway, like you said the positive is – you are feelings things – you actually have tears in your eyes, and that is HUGE!!! It is really great to see you have such a positive outlook on your feelings and realizing that there is a bright side to your pain….you feel pure raw joy, and pure hell too….but soon my friend the joy will be far more often than the bad times and that is wonderful news.

    I look back on all the times I should have been sad or mad or happy and I truly felt nothing – void of all feelings and it now pisses me off. I will never get those moments back, but at least now I can have the proper emotion at the right time and that is priceless…

    While I still have plenty of hard days with this crap we call methadone – I know soon it will be done and over and I cannot wait to kiss it good bye forever. I truly hate all it has robbed me of and this makes me more determined than ever to leave it behind – clawing and fighting my way out of this trap!!

    I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished and all you will accomplish!!!

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