I did it! I really did! I completed both my goals yesterday of decreasing my methadone dose, and attending my first NA meeting. I have to give credit where credit is due however, and the voice in my head did an excellent job. This son of a bitch gave me 1,000,001 of the most compelling and crafty reasons imaginable about why I should not go to that meeting last night.
After work, I still had 3 hours until I had to leave for the meeting. I used that time to lie down, rest and explain to myself that I needed to go. My addiction did not happen overnight, would not be cured overnight, but NA was starting tonight I said. The conversation began calmly enough, but ended semi-violently. I even dropped the “do you want your wife to take the kids and leave?” bomb on myself. I could just about feel the pain as I kicked my own ass out the door. It was certainly a battle, but one of the last things I remember thinking was “how bad do you want your life back?” I do, I do, I do want it back!
I am a bit pumped up this morning. I should be because I cleared two big hurdles yesterday. I am being one hundred percent honest when I say that on my way to the life drainer (clinic) yesterday morning, I contemplated the excuses I would use for forgoing one of the two goals I had set for myself. After leaving the death trap, I knew it would be the meeting I would cancel. It wasn’t to be. Turns out, I want to live just a little more than that clinic ever bargained for. Screw you people, I’m bringing this fucker home! If I die in 4 months, I will die having seen my kids-in spite of you.
i most definitely smelltherain