I started this blog to help myself as well as others who are trapped. For those like me, who are locked in a life or death struggle in a methadone clinic, aka methadone death camp. My affair with opiates began when I was about 24 years old. Right around the time that Oxycontin (OC) was hitting the opiate scene. OC eventually led me to methadone maintenance treatment (MTT). Sounds all professionally medical and stuff huh. Yeah well methadone, as it turns out, is actually the hardest of all opiates to kick. Health, relationships, finances, taste and emotions are just a few things that this hideous drug has robbed me of. About 1 year ago, I decided I wanted my life back.
Right now I am at 40mgs/day. This is down from roughly 160mgs/day when I began my detox just over 1 year ago. I can tell my sense of taste is coming back because foods are becoming rich again. I am losing my mad craving for sweets, which is very common with methadone use. My emotions are on a roller coaster as I find myself confronting feelings that have been numb to me for 20 years. My body aches as the opiates leave me. If you didn’t already know, the physical aspects of detox are horrendous for methadone addicts. There are times I swear I can almost feel sludge on my skin as this poison slowly seeps from my pores. It’s okay though because I have young children that I mean to see for the first time. They are coming into view now, but still a bit cloudy. Just the other day, as I was contemplating this blog, I was outside and I actually smelled the rain coming in on the wind. I was surprised when I realized it was something I had not smelled in a very long time. Opiates dull everything in your life and this does not exclude sense of smell. That rain smelled glorious by the way.
I would like everyone that reads it, to take this blog for what you will. Some may use it for information and others encouragement. Know this though-my heart and soul will be poured onto these pages so it will be alive. Leave messages of encouragement if you feel the notion, for they will be greatly appreciated. Please pass it on though as I want as many warm bodies behind me as I can get. I figure, a professional fighter does not go into a fight alone. He has a pack of supporters that come to the fight with him, for him. Why wouldn’t I want as many people as possible in my corner when I am in the fight of my life? The answer is that I do. I know I cannot do this alone. Also, if you know someone struggling with addiction, direct him or her here. Hopefully, we can find peace together.
I think much of the words in the song “Only God Knows Why” by Kid Rock. I have always thought of it as my theme song. The words ring especially true now:
People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit that I’ve been through
It’s been so long since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there’s more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been giving just ain’t been gettin
I’ve been walking that there line
So I think I’ll keep a walking
WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH!!
Thank you all immensely for reading,